Life 101

Guess since I have been on my blog so many things in my life have changed! Now I wish I had kept writing but sometimes life just throws so many curves at you that you cannot figure out where life is going next! Kerry and I got divorced in May...very tough time for all of us! We were married for 26 years and went out for three years! Never, ever did I think this would be me six months later alone in the house of my dreams...I am doing ok and the girls have survived so much this year! I am proud of who they are and what they have been able to go through in life! I think it has made us much better people and will be forever! Kerry lives in Ottawa and yesterday got a phone call that he is looking at moving to Florida...I guess you get the pit feeling inside and I am like most people I will always care about him...I don't love him like I did when we married but caring is something deep inside and I know he is the Father to my girls...he was such an awesome dad before he fell and broke his back! Tears are running down my face as I write this...Life sure isn't what we always dreamed of but we have to keep going and I am...

Very thankful for the friends that have been there for me in the good and the bad times...I am blessed more than I ever imagined! I have met so many new friends and I am so happy to have them in my life! I have so many that would drop what they are doing to help me if I needed them...I have more than I can count on my hands...

I have about five more months in my house till I have to move out but thankful that I have had time to heal and deal with the pain, loss and emotions that go into Divorce...I have to say it is probably harder than death in a way! I now have more sympathy for those that have gone through divorce and now will be that friend to others as they have no clue what it is like! Honestly it is a pit feeling so hard to describe...but I am making it and day by day it seems to get easier! Do I still have crying days? Oh Yeah...do they last as long...No! Thankgoodness!

I have been dating and going places...I never thought this would be me...when I got seperated I honestly didn't think anyone would want to date me...well it doesn't seem to be a problem! Now I just want to find one guy to enjoy life with...Life is going by so fast and the weeks are flying by tooo fast! I am in a Divorce Group in Naperville and Singles groups...they have been amazing support! Meetups.com was a lifesavor for me! I have joined a photography group, wine tasting groups, dating groups! Who would have thought that at 49 life could be honestly good!!! Not me at least ...A year ago I would not have ever thought this is where Cheryl Brown would be at in 2010...kinda now looking forward to 2011 !!! I turn 50 in January and gonna really make a difference in others lives...I have had so many help me that now I want to return the favor! I am planning on going to Africa in May with my church! How awesome to be going to the ends of the Earth and than to be able to give back to people that have nothing! Well, I am back and ready to start sharing my new adventures...I am also being creative and enjoying making things again! Hugs, cheryl

The Weekend went by so fast...

It seems like Lindsay just came home and she is on her way back to College...hard to see the girls growning up and changing but neat to see how they are all changing! They survived all the years of struggles and have turned out to be neat people and so glad for how well they have done! We had a nice day with my parents..Kerry didn't do to well but that is about how much he handles stress any more and the pain is getting worse...the Neurosurgeon called back and Kerry needs another MRI this week as they feel he probably needs another fusion on his lower spine and then his interthecal pump is getting replaced next Tuesday and he is just about crying in pain daily lately...so it just seems to get harder to deal with daily! Pray for all of us as it is not easy on any of us! You just want to cry for him as nothing helps anymore....hugs and tears, cheryl

10 years...where did 10 years go!

I had no idea what today was...our lives were so simple 10 years ago..three little girls, a successful business, my husband loved his job as a sales man..we always joked he could sell anything if he could sell toilet paper...a Beautiful home that we owned and our lives were going so well..then November 20, 1998 came and life changed! I know today is just a day but every year I think it will get easier but when I had to put the date down on the papers to sign it hit me ...I stopped and looked up at her and she could tell something was wrong...tears came to my eyes and I tried to write the date! I shared in tears today is 10 years..10 years ago today it all started...Kerry went into the hospital for back surgery and never did I have the same husband that I married but I have not left I have stayed in every kind of situation that has been thrown at us! Through a nightmare of medical errors, mental problems, financial, legal, family, raising three beautiful daughters, we have done all those vows that we took 25 years ago...For Richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, for better or worse...we have done all of them and we are still together! So many times I think I cannot do it one more day! I only think what our lives would have been if so many mistakes had not happened those few days so many years ago but I have to let it go..just let it go! I have to accept this is who I have to live the rest of my life with and just learn to pray for strength for the day! It has not ever been a break from medical but Kerry is still here and still fighting so I have to keep fighting with him...hugs, cheryl

Life! I really do keep trying...toilet paper~

Sometimes you just need to cry and cry...it seems like that is what I have been doing lately ...it really stinks but I can't help it.. I think I am just going to wake up and everything will be ok someday and another struggle happens..or another thing put on my plate to figure out how the Brown's are going to make it one more month! Today was my last day for a food pantry that we have been getting food at and now with winter hitting I sure do not have any idea where we are getting it next month from..I so remember the day our church told me to go so many years ago and I just about died that day but I knew I had three little girls at home that needed food and I had no way of providing that ..it seems so long ago..I thought it would only last a year or so and now it has probably been 9 years of going to food pantry's and being humbled ....we got our Thanksgiving meal but Kerry is so hungry for a turkey he wants to make it this weekend...so I guess we have turkey this weekend! He is so excited at putting some of the food away..I haven't told him yet that this is the last month..how do you tell a husband that hasn't worked in 10 years and is disabled that you do not know how we are going to make it..instead I just try to keep it inside but it seems like the stress of 10 years is just doing me in anymore...not sleeping, not wanting to really eat and just plain exhausted! Then so many things that I just wish I could fix and not one that I can...at the place that God has me and I remember so many years ago when I cried out on an October day wondering how we could do Christmas in so many days as the sign had read down at the end of the block...and that day we had also run out of money and toilet paper! Ironically I got two calls and one from Karen Hamilton asking if the school could help us with Christmas from the Needy family fund ...and the other from Hazel Eaton asking if their church could put our names on a tree ...I cried as I told them don't worry about Kerry or I just get the girls something ...well they wouldn't take that for an answer and we were blessed but the neatest thing happened that day and Hazel had no idea that we were out of toilet paper...she just listened to the nudge from God and she went downstairs of her home as I had asked for a crockpot and she had one for me to use until Christmas and brought it over and left it at my doorstep along with 12 rolls of toilet paper...my daughters that day came home and they were all shocked at finding 12 rolls as they knew we had none...I told them that Hazel had no idea about our situation and I had not told her..from that day on we were given toilet paper for four and a half years..always left at our door step not with a note or anything just left by strangers....I guess today I need to be reminded of all those years he took care of the simplest things and reminded me so many times how he cares about even the toilet paper! Tears and all hugs, cheryl